![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alongfallfromgraceWei Wuxian has no idea what time it is - late enough that it might be called early morning, early enough that it could be mistaken as late night. He has only a few candles burning, not wanting to attract attention, not wanting to disturb anyone else's rest. He is drooped over his makeshift table, curled around the haphazardly bound papers he considers his journal.
He writes slowly, both because of the exhaustion weighting his limbs, and because he's trying to make his writing as legible as possible. He remembers a complaint from years ago about his writing, he wants to show he learned something since then.
Something. Lots of things.
He should sleep, he knows - there is work to do in the morning - a garden to tend, a-Yuan to manage, wards to strengthen, people to protect. But his sleep is an uneasy, haunted thing, full of whispers from the dark power that holds together the pieces of his shattered body. After spending what felt like a small eternity trying to sleep, he now has resorted to keeping it at bay until he collapses.
He's sure Wen Qing will have something to say about this plan. She'll probably have needles too. Terrifying woman.
He hasn't told Lan Zhan about his notes, pages and pages full of research findings and theories and talismans, everything he has been working on these lonely months. He won't tell Lan Zhan about his notes - Lan Zhan will only get that pinched, sad look he gets too often these days, see it as yet another failure to help... Wei Ying doesn't have the heart to tell him there's no help to give. Sometimes he thinks it would be better to lie, to sit through three rounds of Clarity and declare he feels ever so much better, much more pure, thanks ever so much. Then just... refuse to leave the Burial Mounds. He could do it.
He could.
But he's a greedy man.
He has been gifted with extra time, time (mostly) away from the politics and the privations of his life, time to see Lan Zhan and... pretend. Pretend things are mostly normal. Pretend that he isn't a wreak, bound for disaster. To see his face and his smile and his goodness and know that out there in the world, Lan Zhan will still exist, even after he is gone. And that will be good.
That will be enough.
Wei Wuxian sighs, turning the page to start in on a new topic. His back aches. His back always aches, spine shattered into fragments when he landed here so many years ago. It'd probably help if he sat up properly. It would probably help if he slept.
He should tell Lan Zhan the end is coming. He should... confront that. Tell him he never truly expected to leave the Burial Mounds the first time, then never truly expected to survive hunting down Wen Chao, then never truly expected to survive the Sunshot Campaign. He'd emerged from hell intent on dragging those who killed his first family down into its depths and then... somehow survived to see the after. And he's grateful, he's so grateful - he's seen Lotus Pier restored, and his dear shidi as Sect Leader. He's seen his shijie as a gorgeous bride. He knows that Lan Zhan survived the war, and should do well in this new peace. He's seen a-Yuan's smile, an extra bonus he didn't know he'd wanted.
He knows this can't last forever. Eventually someone will decide the lure of the Stygian Tiger Seal will be greater than the fear of the Yiling Patriarch. Eventually he'll become too worn to contain that power effectively. He knows the day he is forced to destroy the seal, it will take him with it. He's been going over and over the theory, looking for a way around it, but the power is simply too great - the backlash is going to tear him to shreds.
He should tell Lan Zhan.
He will never tell Lan Zhan.
There's a page, set aside from his journal, that details the research he's put into this, lays out in excruciating detail the work he's done to try and work his way out, but... he's not sure if it is kinder to include it, or burn the page. Lan Zhan will be sad either way, he knows. He has been trying so hard, ever since he found out what Wei Ying was doing. He's going to be so disappointed that his efforts were in vain. But Wei Ying isn't sure if it is kinder to include the notes, to show that he was trying, he hadn't just given up... or kinder to leave them out, so Lan Zhan will never know how Wei Ying took advantage of all those times Lan Zhan tried, just so he could have an excuse to talk with Lan Zhan, to be near him, to pretend that it hadn't all gone so wrong. He may just leave it out. Let Lan Zhan believe he missed the danger, let him think that his old friend Wei Ying wasn't such a selfish man. Leave a more fond impression, hopefully, something to tell future little Lans with serious faces and golden eyes - stories about the reckless boy from Yunmeng, who ignored the rules and played with fire.
Ugh. Now he's just being sentimental.
He turns the page, and continues to write.
He writes slowly, both because of the exhaustion weighting his limbs, and because he's trying to make his writing as legible as possible. He remembers a complaint from years ago about his writing, he wants to show he learned something since then.
Something. Lots of things.
He should sleep, he knows - there is work to do in the morning - a garden to tend, a-Yuan to manage, wards to strengthen, people to protect. But his sleep is an uneasy, haunted thing, full of whispers from the dark power that holds together the pieces of his shattered body. After spending what felt like a small eternity trying to sleep, he now has resorted to keeping it at bay until he collapses.
He's sure Wen Qing will have something to say about this plan. She'll probably have needles too. Terrifying woman.
He hasn't told Lan Zhan about his notes, pages and pages full of research findings and theories and talismans, everything he has been working on these lonely months. He won't tell Lan Zhan about his notes - Lan Zhan will only get that pinched, sad look he gets too often these days, see it as yet another failure to help... Wei Ying doesn't have the heart to tell him there's no help to give. Sometimes he thinks it would be better to lie, to sit through three rounds of Clarity and declare he feels ever so much better, much more pure, thanks ever so much. Then just... refuse to leave the Burial Mounds. He could do it.
He could.
But he's a greedy man.
He has been gifted with extra time, time (mostly) away from the politics and the privations of his life, time to see Lan Zhan and... pretend. Pretend things are mostly normal. Pretend that he isn't a wreak, bound for disaster. To see his face and his smile and his goodness and know that out there in the world, Lan Zhan will still exist, even after he is gone. And that will be good.
That will be enough.
Wei Wuxian sighs, turning the page to start in on a new topic. His back aches. His back always aches, spine shattered into fragments when he landed here so many years ago. It'd probably help if he sat up properly. It would probably help if he slept.
He should tell Lan Zhan the end is coming. He should... confront that. Tell him he never truly expected to leave the Burial Mounds the first time, then never truly expected to survive hunting down Wen Chao, then never truly expected to survive the Sunshot Campaign. He'd emerged from hell intent on dragging those who killed his first family down into its depths and then... somehow survived to see the after. And he's grateful, he's so grateful - he's seen Lotus Pier restored, and his dear shidi as Sect Leader. He's seen his shijie as a gorgeous bride. He knows that Lan Zhan survived the war, and should do well in this new peace. He's seen a-Yuan's smile, an extra bonus he didn't know he'd wanted.
He knows this can't last forever. Eventually someone will decide the lure of the Stygian Tiger Seal will be greater than the fear of the Yiling Patriarch. Eventually he'll become too worn to contain that power effectively. He knows the day he is forced to destroy the seal, it will take him with it. He's been going over and over the theory, looking for a way around it, but the power is simply too great - the backlash is going to tear him to shreds.
He should tell Lan Zhan.
He will never tell Lan Zhan.
There's a page, set aside from his journal, that details the research he's put into this, lays out in excruciating detail the work he's done to try and work his way out, but... he's not sure if it is kinder to include it, or burn the page. Lan Zhan will be sad either way, he knows. He has been trying so hard, ever since he found out what Wei Ying was doing. He's going to be so disappointed that his efforts were in vain. But Wei Ying isn't sure if it is kinder to include the notes, to show that he was trying, he hadn't just given up... or kinder to leave them out, so Lan Zhan will never know how Wei Ying took advantage of all those times Lan Zhan tried, just so he could have an excuse to talk with Lan Zhan, to be near him, to pretend that it hadn't all gone so wrong. He may just leave it out. Let Lan Zhan believe he missed the danger, let him think that his old friend Wei Ying wasn't such a selfish man. Leave a more fond impression, hopefully, something to tell future little Lans with serious faces and golden eyes - stories about the reckless boy from Yunmeng, who ignored the rules and played with fire.
Ugh. Now he's just being sentimental.
He turns the page, and continues to write.
